My Secret Diary

There’s really no way around it. The only way is through it – which sounds so dramatic. Change always is, at first, isn’t it? But I am so grateful that I am able to come up with some kind of interpretation of what’s going on right now – of how my world is directing me – because that’s what will help me go along with the nudges, rather than bitch about them, and fight against them.

2 customers have forgotten to pay their invoice for last month. That has never happened. It probably “ought” to have, some might say. And, actually, I agree -but I’ve been really fortunate, and everybody has always been fantastic about paying their bills. To me, this feels like a huge sign.

Another customer, who is quite unwell, owes me a big hunk of $, for a grocery run that I did for her. She’s not trying to get away with anything. She forgot. She actually had a lot going on that day. But I don’t like – at all – having to ask her for it. I want her to remember to ask me how much she owes me, for crying out loud. That discomfort is also a sign.

This morning’s customer cancelled when I got there. She got the dates screwed up. That also has never happened. Ever.

None of these people are “bad”, and these events aren’t all that dire, or impactful. There’s nothing for me to be mad or concerned about – it’s just people making mistakes. But those mistakes are piling up on each other, looking to me like a clear message for me: that it’s *really* time to get moving on becoming the future me that I fantasize about, who’s no longer cleaning houses and who is supporting her small household by writing about the fun, empowering leading edge stuff that she loves learning. She also happens to be full of life and joy and energy and enthusiasm, and acts fearlessly.

I really do have quite a way to go. Ha ha.

The U is telling me to quit dicking around and get to it.

So I came here (after sort of “trying” to just do a quick video, first. But I changed my mind when I saw myself in the camera…) to kind of do a “brain dump”. AND TO ACTUALLY POST IT, this time.

If I want to keep falling off the wagon, I can – and I may… but I sure don’t want to. But I must no longer allow drinking to stop me from evolving. And that seems impossible. I think that it is.

What I do want is to get out of this matrix entirely. So, to that end, I’m sticking with Casy MacGuire, and with the quit lit, and with really loving the state of not-being-hungover, and the joyful mornings that come after going to bed with no booze in my system.

I’m starting a 14-day reset tomorrow. If I hadn’t had 4 slices of pizza (but, NO beer!) yesterday, rendering me unwilling-er to get on the scales (let alone measure myself and take a pic)(shudder) it would begin today.

Mindwise, again, I’ll listen only – or, mainly – to (or, read) :

~ Casey MacGuire Davidson, and other people who are like her, to solidify my settling in to alcohol-free living.

~ Jennifer Hough, the only “Science-uality” teacher that I know and understand – and love. She makes the Physics of Living practical and fun, and important. There is so much more I could say… so, please, check her out!

~ Dana Wilde, who teaches brain training, and – again, the practicality and importance of the intention to “feel good first, then take action”. It really does make life simple & easy.

~ Lisa Natoli, who introduced me to A Course In Miracles. She has a strong understanding of the literal power of Love, as a force for healing everything. That is definitely something worth working on grokking.

A few other creative project ideas are churning in my mind, trying to squirm away from my tendency to overthink. I’m going to get to work on one of those, next.

Anyway, feeling good, feeling excited, and looking forward to the day when I just cannot wait to get out of bed. Do you know that feeling?

Thanks for reading. xo~